Unconditional

My love fairy, lucky stars or whatever else you like to call that untangible thing that gives your love life a prod in the right direction has a really warped sense of humour. Dont you think its kinda twisted the way that all these men have promised to love me forever and always, but even though I've never made such an impossible claim I dont know how to love in a way thats not Unconditional. Thats not to say I cant throw it all under a rug, getting crushed down further with every angry headbanging-singing-dancing-generally-expressing-myself-in-a-rock n roll-manner session. And slowly it fades to just an odd straining sensation when my mind wanders. I took a trip down memory lane last night...realised that even after all this...after a fricken year...underneath it all i still care.

You know how some people are retarded in the original, non-offensive meaning of the word? Well whats it called when its applied to other parts of your body? Say your heart? Coz i have definitely got that. Retardation of the Heart. Symptons include falling in love with a complete headcase and an undying need to Learn Things The Hard Way.

Well thats the deep shiz over with. Why is it that spending time alone increases my ability to function well in the company others? Hmm. Another genetic defect maybe? I am so glad I have the Prospect. He already means so much to me, when in reality our lives hardly touch. Its just really nice having someone who asks if I had a good day, and knowing that theres another fellow Magic Mormon out there trying balance an upbringing as a religious nutcase with the trauma of being a teenager. But how much do I have to hint before he grows some balls? MAKE A MOVE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Are you a teenage boy or not?

Theres this one other thing ive gotta get off my chest. I am SO SICK of everyone TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, and worse...how to feel. Everyone just judges each other so much for how they cope and deal with something that cant even relate to. I wish everyone would just back off. So everyone only liked me when I was happy all the time. I remember that. No matter how I felt in the morning, just shaking it off and slamming an upbeat CD in the stereo to prep myself up for the day. But the second the cracks start to show...everyones off in the other direction. Yeah I know thats unfair, certain people have stuck by my side like glue and been total stars. I love you guys, you know who you are :) I am refering to the majority. The mass of inconsequencial people that form Them. And Us have had a few drop outs too.

I think I can survive the casualties. I'm just gonna go on, revelling in the fact that I have no idea what lies ahead. What doesnt kill me can only make me stronger. Well, auctually, what doesnt kill me could leave me blinded, paralysed from the neck down and in a coma.

Over my Head by the Fray just really sums it up for me. For those who can be bothered, here are the lyrics;

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along

But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows
I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind