Unconditional

My love fairy, lucky stars or whatever else you like to call that untangible thing that gives your love life a prod in the right direction has a really warped sense of humour. Dont you think its kinda twisted the way that all these men have promised to love me forever and always, but even though I've never made such an impossible claim I dont know how to love in a way thats not Unconditional. Thats not to say I cant throw it all under a rug, getting crushed down further with every angry headbanging-singing-dancing-generally-expressing-myself-in-a-rock n roll-manner session. And slowly it fades to just an odd straining sensation when my mind wanders. I took a trip down memory lane last night...realised that even after all this...after a fricken year...underneath it all i still care.

You know how some people are retarded in the original, non-offensive meaning of the word? Well whats it called when its applied to other parts of your body? Say your heart? Coz i have definitely got that. Retardation of the Heart. Symptons include falling in love with a complete headcase and an undying need to Learn Things The Hard Way.

Well thats the deep shiz over with. Why is it that spending time alone increases my ability to function well in the company others? Hmm. Another genetic defect maybe? I am so glad I have the Prospect. He already means so much to me, when in reality our lives hardly touch. Its just really nice having someone who asks if I had a good day, and knowing that theres another fellow Magic Mormon out there trying balance an upbringing as a religious nutcase with the trauma of being a teenager. But how much do I have to hint before he grows some balls? MAKE A MOVE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Are you a teenage boy or not?

Theres this one other thing ive gotta get off my chest. I am SO SICK of everyone TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, and worse...how to feel. Everyone just judges each other so much for how they cope and deal with something that cant even relate to. I wish everyone would just back off. So everyone only liked me when I was happy all the time. I remember that. No matter how I felt in the morning, just shaking it off and slamming an upbeat CD in the stereo to prep myself up for the day. But the second the cracks start to show...everyones off in the other direction. Yeah I know thats unfair, certain people have stuck by my side like glue and been total stars. I love you guys, you know who you are :) I am refering to the majority. The mass of inconsequencial people that form Them. And Us have had a few drop outs too.

I think I can survive the casualties. I'm just gonna go on, revelling in the fact that I have no idea what lies ahead. What doesnt kill me can only make me stronger. Well, auctually, what doesnt kill me could leave me blinded, paralysed from the neck down and in a coma.

Over my Head by the Fray just really sums it up for me. For those who can be bothered, here are the lyrics;

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along

But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows
I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Premowhatsit (the dream)

Last night I had the most powerful dream I've ever had. It was so potent I called almost taste it.

I saw someone in The Group. With all their defences down, no walls, no masks. I saw them as they all they could be. I think I saw a vision of them fulfilling their full potential. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I saw who they were with. Yeah, thats also someone we know. And its really...unexpected. Before this, id of believed that it would only happen on an alternate universe. I never saw that one coming. They were in a strange place, but somehow I got the impression that it was home to Him. She was much quiter than usual for her nature. Maybe a metaphor for aggro with the in-laws? They managed to escape to a room alone, and He could bolt the door from the other end of the room by raising his hand. A further hint of potential fulfilled, I think. It was like they were speaking without talking. I could tell that they understood one another perfectly.

I think I saw a Possible future. Not I think. I know.

Premo-whatsit (the wasp)

My sixth sense has returned to me in an encounter with a curb (i think i lost). I got let loose on the biking world today (increasing Hampshires accident rate by half). I got a go on a 125 suzuki which was even more fun than I expected. Sadly, I was later demoted to a Moped. (The other 3 people got bored of watching me failing with the clutch).

It became increasingly apperent that my brain doesnt run on the same wavelength as everyone elses. My heads too far in the clouds to keep up with the real world. This never really bothered me before. Only on the drive home when I was recounting to mum how it took me a full 10 minutes to realise my instructer was trying to get me to pull the clutch in faster did I realise that my inability to concentrate might be interfering with my ability to function as a rational human being. I also blame my mutant tiny hands. You try keeping a constant rev with gloves 3 times too big.


By act of law, as passed by the rents I have to get a Ped before Im unleased on a Beast. I cant help but feel a bit dissapointed, after getting all excited about the Honda. I hate two strokes so much. I sort-of dispise myself for owning one. On the bright side, its the cutest thing since chickens. Its a wasp! And its tiny. Jenna-size. I'm going to have to do something about the Toy Story stickers some child 'decorated' it though. My instinctlead me to that baby. I saw the adertisement, saw the word "yellow" and had that wonderful gut connection, although all other features pointed away. We went to go see this huge chavvy ped-thing first and I had to use all my subtle hinting to stop her from sealing the deal. I just couldnt help but think "I could grow to hate this moped".

Riding was an amazing feeling though. The wind in your face, and just how direct the speed is...my mum can talk practicality all she wants, a cars got nothing on this.

Anyway, back to my premonition. There was this U-turn I had to make, after riding up a stretch of the road. I had this feeling of foreboding the instant I pulled away, I wasnt going to make it, my hand was aching, I couldnt stretch it round to the brake, I was heading for the bank...and of course slammed into it. It doesnt sound all that melodramatic, but I use to get stuff like this all the time. My intuition is back! Yay. Was it the sense of foreboding that made me panic? Hmmmm...

Before I forget

This was meant o be published yesterday but my crappy internet cut out before I could publish it.

I awoke this morning knowing 2 things: 1. Theres one thing he cant take away from me 2. It hurts when you hit your head on the ceiling


Memories. He cant change the past. I'm just waiting for him to admit that we had some Fricken Amazing times together. Oh Crud. My memories always been chronic. Not so kick ass. Urrrm how do I get around this one?Ahhhh. I could always preserve it in writing. So here goes(in chronological order)...the top 5 times he blew me out my mind with a kiss. Look away now if your that way inclined. And yes, I know. Im a dead woman if you ever stumble across this.


1. The First Kiss. Soft and Sweet. It was like he flicked on the light. I never looked back, even if he did turn out to be the Moron of My Future. The round of applause was also cool XD

2. Outside The Soldiers House...the first time he properly gave me tingles...he was stroking my arms and wearing a shirt that looked suspiciously Jack Wills.

3. The Mirrored Room...urrrm comment if your up for detail

4. Down the track. I dont know what he did dayam he did it well

5. A very non PG rated kiss at the top of legions lane. Oooerrr. Kingsworthy wasnt expecting that one.


Obviously the Fricken Amazing times were slightly less shallow then all of that but writing in depth would lead to reminiscing. Which is not Just Remembering.

Im not sure that exploiting...intresting moments on the internet is the wisest thing to do but Im in that very special place where your past caring.

Well this year sure has been a bitch, but maybe thats not entirely a bad thing. I mean, I never ever saw what was coming. I'd pick unpredictability over stability any day, even if whats coming is a kick in the teeth. Wow, apologizing for something I havnt done, seeing the bright side of a totally crud year...my maturity levels are on the rise, people. Unpredictability strikes again...

I got crapped on by a bird yesterday. I've always been weirdly jealous when people tell stories about getting crapped on by birds. Hmmm now I've got a tale of my own to tell. "I was going for a run once. I got crapped on by a bird. "

Aftertaste

It took 3 weeks of being angry to notice what a bad aftertaste it leaves. Today I'm starting again. I'm not gonna cry anymore tears over Retard.

What are the chances??? The parralels between Twatfeatures and Retard were always a little weird, but starting the same course at the same time? This is it. The Proof. Someone up there has it in for me. Maybe its the aliens. Hmmm in a strangely sadistic way this is giving me something to think about.

My twisted little mind is coming up with all these fight-scene scenarios and I cant help sizing them up. Retard is built like Johnny Wilkinson, but when it comes down to it Twatfeatures is all experienced, and much more agile. I hope they act first talk later coz if they started swapping Fun Facts I could be really screwed. I'm getting seriously carried away now, arming Twatfeatures with a shiny knife hidden in his boot, and Retard improvises with a floorboard(complete with nails sticking out).

Last night was Rock Bottom. It was just the climax of this scream that had been building in m chest since That Monday...it felt like it was gonna burst out like those crazy aliens in Alien versus Predator. I think its gonna be one of those moments I never forget. Kneeling in an underpass, my back slammed against the wall trying to remember how to breathe. All I can remember is panting out "oh God, oh God" and hearing "Im with you" by Avril lavigne playing in the recesses of my mind (avril lavigne is a guilty pleasure of mine...shes preety much written my life story in lyrical form).

Somehow I woke up in my bed the next morning. Even though the Friend assured me that I wouldnt, I dreamt about him. We were sat on opposite ends of a bus, but I didnt realise this until I stepped off. We just stared at each other for the longest time and then...we started reaching for each others hands...I guess the good thing about Rock Bottom is that the only way is up. I've been held in this bubble of bitter-sweet peace today, but its so fragile. Rediscovering Shinedown helped in more ways then I can explain. I love the song "Shed Some Light"..it sounds like a prayer. I think ill learn it on my guitar...a distraction. Its twice that song has saved me now :)

I'm falling apart again
And I can't find a way to make amends
And I'm looking in both directions
But it's make believe, it's all pretend

So...Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

It's innocence within the maze
But I have chosen the wrong way
I'm still getting over who I was
There's no sense of trust, there's no definition of love

So...Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

I know now, it's not who you are
It's who you knowAnd I see clearly now, which way to go
remember the way I fell from above
And I recall the way I was

So...Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll...Tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll believe
Something I'll believe